Category Archives: Thoughts

Lingering

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It’s been a while, and lots of things have happened, for all I know I’ve confessed to a boy, and more, but for now he just wants to be friends, even though he doesn’t act like it. So have this poem, lingering, in my eyes towards him.

Lingering

What if every time I get closer I get pushed away,
I know the words, yet I am too afraid to say.
My comments kept inside me all along
Just one note away from singing the correct song.

Somethings get closer than what we will be for real
It’s a thing I don’t want to feel.
This is just about you and me I know
But I don’t know if what you do is real or for show.

I’m afraid to ask it again, but also to stay away
There are so many reasons why I should stay.
I have been enlightened with a cheer in my heart
No experience, but an even braver heart.

So, I continue to wait and see
Hoping that friendship will become more, and I become we.

The true power of names

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I think names come with a part of power, a given name has the power of love, most of the times, as a parent gives it to their child, and they pick a name they think is beautiful, as well as fit for a boy or a girl, but that wasn’t the case with my name, my parents simply couldn’t find a boy name, if I were to be born a boy.

Your own nicknames give power too, they give you a feeling or a save haven for people who cannot seem to find it in their own life. That’s where my first name comes from. It’s a given from me from what I like most. I used it online for as long as I have been known, carrying it with me through each of my online life, but it also has a history that’s black and dark, as a passing in the last year. That’s also why names are powerful, they carry memories.

Some names carry memories that are rather forgotten, while other carry the memories of someone else, as it’s a name passed through generations. I think those shouldn’t be forgotten either, a family can bring great joy, or destruction to whatever they name you, and if they name you after someone special, or if that name doesn’t mean anything at all. That’s also a reason why we could change a name, as it’s our own identity, so switching names might be even changing them.

The last thing to say is about your identity, a different name with a different idenity, at least that’s what it is for me, something which I won’t ever forget, or something that will always be with me, deep in my heart. Yet again, the memories I make with the different names I carry are the most important ones, and I’ll cherrish them forever.

~Roza~


I’m actually me

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It’s been a while, but I think I’m back to being me. it sounds odd in some way, but I wasn’t really being me, but merely reflecting an image of myself, not telling anyone except that boy.

Imagine that you just don’t know what to feel anymore, or how to live, or what to do. It feels as if you lost a part of yourself. But hey, in some way you did, bu it is time to investigate again what self now actually means, or what it doesn’t mean.

Over the past half year, I’ve cried, I’ve lost, I’ve learnt, and I am so much closer to knowing what my values are, and more importantly, what friendship means to me. It’s quite odd in some kind of way, since this was a chain reaction tied to one person.

Both the bad and the good were linked back to that boy. I have to thank him, even though Id on’t know how I could ever make clear what he taught me. At the same time I don’t need to know either, but knowing I have a friend like that, a person who just respects me for who I am, that’s great actually.

So thank you, if you’re ever reading this, person, code name ”
Cthulhu”, thank you for finding myself once more.

~Roza~

Love

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Yes, I know, I’ve been told to move on., there is no way it can become something between you and I, yet still I long for you. You told me, it wouldn’t be happening, and I am to respect that, which I am. Distance is such a big issue I guess.

But that doesn’t mean I can just let you go, and honestly I tried. I tried to kick you out of my mind, I try to be just friends, I’ve tried for a good 4-5 months already and I’m still stuck at the beginning. But at the same time, I’m also not stuck there, since I just don’t feel anything.

Yes I feel joy and laughter, but I tend to block out the feelings surrounding you. I know sometimes it goes well, but in the moments my mind wanders towards you, and I remember when you kissed me, before we departed. It flows back into my mind as if it was yesterday, but it’s been so long, and so far.

I get stronger from it though, the times I think about you, even though my mind tells me I shouldn’t, I still do. And I don’t know if I will ever stop wondering how it would be to embrace you again, just to feel your body pressed to mine in a tight hug, so I wonder, and wait till we meet again, my friend.

Choice

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In some way, everything is a matter of choice. I had a really long thought about it this morning, and I concluded that. But sometimes things aren’t really your choice, or you think they are your choice but in the end it didn’t seem like that.

I’m saying this because of the certain relations I’ve had with friends or maybe even slightly romantic. I realised after this morning, not everything seemed to be a choice, while it should have been. I think the person I’m currently friends with, or rather to say, have a crush on, on which he knows, only made me realise that.

With him, everything is a choice, if I don’t want to explain something, there is no pushing of finding out. If I think something goes to far I can tell and he will stop, and even when I do want to tell something he’ll tell me if he has the time to listen and reply when I ask.

Others weren’t like this, but it felt more as a forced choice than a choice that was mine. I’m just glad that I got to meet this person and that I get to see some of the ways he thinks of things, since it’s rather intresting. And I also get to learn from it as well, which I think is the most important thing, since I can get a better view of what my own opinion is, and on what is right and wrong.

Language thing

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It’s been a while since I decided I wanted to pick up a language, I mean, I’m fluent in two languages and have a basic understanding of German, but I just don’t think that will be enough.

You see, my goal was to learn some more French, I was deciding between French and Spanish, and after having a look at both of them, I decided I liked French better, and it helped that I already knew more of that language than I did of Spanish.

So one day I want to become fluent in French. There are a lot of resources online to help me gain my goal, but I think sometimes it’s even better to just do it. Do it for half an hour every day, study the grammar and more, and who knows how far I’ll get.

From the app DuoLingo I’ve learnt it’s better for me to learn a language Dutch – Language than English – Language, simply because Dutch is my main language. I might be fluent in both, but I find it easier to find myself a word that matches the language I’m learning in Dutch than in English. Eventually I will gain the same effect, but English just tires me out more, as I’m more comfortable in Dutch with learning a language.

It’s a funny thing actually, as I’m studying at uni in English, but yet I prefer to learn it the Dutch way. I’m curious if there is a scientific meaning behind that or that it is just a preference, guess I’ll find out one day!

Earodynamics stairs

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You know, I fell down the stairs with Christmas, so not such a happy holidays after all. But you know what, it’s alright, I am still alive, and hence it was better than being hit by a car, since nothing is broken.

Yeah, you’re right, I’ve also experienced being hit by a car, as I was cycling. It wasn’t a pleasure experience, and I still don’t understand how that person wasn’t able to see me at all. The lady driving I mean. It’s funny, because even though it hurt I can laugh about it right now, simply because the old lady who was driving the car that hit me was my grandmother.

I guess I have to take it from my family, yet I really dispise my mum’s side of the family, and I would never like understand why people have to gossip about other family members behind their backs. I wonder if it’s because they don’t talk to each other at all anymore, or because they’re just curious, ohh well.

Falling from the stairs isn’t really recommended by the way. I dropped at least 10 stairs hitting my but and back really bad, but at least nothing is broken, that’s how I think from it, yet now I’m not really allowed to cycle 45 kilometers from mum, which is what I wanted to do. I have to take the train and bus instead, sadly…

Holidays

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The holidays are a sort of time, that people look up to, but I am not this kind of person, I rather dislike Christmas for example, simply because it is an holiday spend with your family. And mine isn’t exatly the best.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my sister, and my parents, but my mum’s family… I don’t even know where to start. They are just not the people that are able to handle each other in one room, so it doesnt’happen. In some ways I’m glad about that, but in others its like a sort of feeling of belonging, and missing, that you cannot enjoy what peolple have gifted to you. Something as a happy family gathering.

And I know I’m not the person to complain, because there are people who have it less good than me, would be dying to have it like me. So I try to enjoy, to spend time with the people I really care about, and to enjoy the fact I am here, and I will not be able to leave, yet to have a good time. It’s reassuring in some way, and I’ll get through.

So, best of all to everyone out here, and even if your holidays are different than mine, your New Year is different from mine, I still wish you the best of all, for the coming year.

~Dreamer of Faith~

I am not on my own

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I’m not on my own
I’m not on my own
I am stronger than you are
I’m not on my own
I can fight the whole world
I am not on my own
I am not on my own
I am following the wind
I am not on my own
I’m the flowing water ashore
I’m not on my own
I am not alone
I am not forgetting I’m here
I am not alone
I am definitely strong
I am so much more
I am who I am
I am what I say
I define who I am
I figure out what is right
I’m not on my own
I’m not on my own
and never will be.

One thought in an ocean of things, after I finally had to curious to speak up to my friend about something big.

Bookwurm to the max

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Saturday I finally picked up my so long awaited books of the Throne of Glass series from Sarah J. Maas. I’ve been waiting for the past two weeks to continue reading after I finished the first three books and the prequel within a month. It’s a good thing for me that I had so many gift cards to spend, otherwise I would have never been able to continue reading. 

It turned out, I spent most of my Saturday night reading in Queen of Shadows, only to later start in Empire of Storms. [SPOILER] What I loved most about these books in the character development of Aelin over the series. I have not reached the end yet, but I know, and was actually surprised that she is living on borrowed time. It was something I didn’t expect to happen, that the main character of the books would end up dead, or more like, is going to need to forfeit her life to make her friends be able to live on.  

What I’m thinking of now however, is that the last part of Empire of Storms gave me the idea her cousin Aedion would be able to give that sacrifice as well, but I don’t know, it seems like a theory that got developped in my mind, and one I am curious to reveal once I get back to reaing the last two books of the series. [SPOILER OUT]

It was so very typical of me to jump in the books as if it was my own story, and it felt like an escape from reality feeling and hearing how the story goes on. It was like time travel. The first moment you’re at the beginning of a journey, but then all of a sudden you end up overseas, which took you only three weeks of sailing, and not knowing what to do. I wonder if others also experience reading like this, or that it is just me, who gets caught up in someone else’s world for a little while.