I’m actually me

It’s been a while, but I think I’m back to being me. it sounds odd in some way, but I wasn’t really being me, but merely reflecting an image of myself, not telling anyone except that boy.

Imagine that you just don’t know what to feel anymore, or how to live, or what to do. It feels as if you lost a part of yourself. But hey, in some way you did, bu it is time to investigate again what self now actually means, or what it doesn’t mean.

Over the past half year, I’ve cried, I’ve lost, I’ve learnt, and I am so much closer to knowing what my values are, and more importantly, what friendship means to me. It’s quite odd in some kind of way, since this was a chain reaction tied to one person.

Both the bad and the good were linked back to that boy. I have to thank him, even though Id on’t know how I could ever make clear what he taught me. At the same time I don’t need to know either, but knowing I have a friend like that, a person who just respects me for who I am, that’s great actually.

So thank you, if you’re ever reading this, person, code name ”
Cthulhu”, thank you for finding myself once more.

~Roza~

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Sleep isn’t everything

I guess, some of my friends, just like to constantly yawn, as one of them actually mentioned in a text, this was the result.

Yawning is the terror of everything
Always lurking in the shadows asking for something.
Whatever it is, mighty cannot even say
Neither can the Polish, but they have their own way.

Intresting is what others would say it to be
Neither around, yet never to be free
Gaining on everything, mortal and enemy.

Riddle me in Riddle me out

Someone asked me to write some riddles for his Dungeons & Dragons game. I have never tried it before, but I decided to give it it a try! Leave your answers below, please, so I can improve. Answer will be given sometimes later, maybe with the next post, or with the next riddle…

As changing as time yet to come
when you think you got me, I’m already gone.

I will lure into the shadows, showing you what you were
impossible to find, yet always lurking there.

The one being referred to as never before
but sometimes carefully hidden beneath the floor.

Can you find me, or is it yet to soon.
I’ll be in the past, keeping the present in tune.

Quest

On the quest towards a meal for a home
the knight for a mighty throne.
A dragon unslain habiting the castle
something for the knight, yet quite a hassle.

“Oh, old can of Iron Glory,
Willt Du defeat me, or die in glory?”

The dragon almighty, yet kind
spun a wheel, and pressed rewind.
A knight, no longer in his eye,
only a dying man, laughing by.

“Forgive me Dragon, Du hast won,
please send my regards to my wife and my young.”

One moment it happened the next it was gone,
the dragon had slain himself for what he had become.

“Go back in your time, oh knight almighty.
Remember those you love, people like you and me.”

The knight found the rewinder, and so it began,
a new adventure, and more than one.
Never hoping, dreaming to yet be,
the dragon’s words he carried, to places yet to see.

Love

Yes, I know, I’ve been told to move on., there is no way it can become something between you and I, yet still I long for you. You told me, it wouldn’t be happening, and I am to respect that, which I am. Distance is such a big issue I guess.

But that doesn’t mean I can just let you go, and honestly I tried. I tried to kick you out of my mind, I try to be just friends, I’ve tried for a good 4-5 months already and I’m still stuck at the beginning. But at the same time, I’m also not stuck there, since I just don’t feel anything.

Yes I feel joy and laughter, but I tend to block out the feelings surrounding you. I know sometimes it goes well, but in the moments my mind wanders towards you, and I remember when you kissed me, before we departed. It flows back into my mind as if it was yesterday, but it’s been so long, and so far.

I get stronger from it though, the times I think about you, even though my mind tells me I shouldn’t, I still do. And I don’t know if I will ever stop wondering how it would be to embrace you again, just to feel your body pressed to mine in a tight hug, so I wonder, and wait till we meet again, my friend.

Choice

In some way, everything is a matter of choice. I had a really long thought about it this morning, and I concluded that. But sometimes things aren’t really your choice, or you think they are your choice but in the end it didn’t seem like that.

I’m saying this because of the certain relations I’ve had with friends or maybe even slightly romantic. I realised after this morning, not everything seemed to be a choice, while it should have been. I think the person I’m currently friends with, or rather to say, have a crush on, on which he knows, only made me realise that.

With him, everything is a choice, if I don’t want to explain something, there is no pushing of finding out. If I think something goes to far I can tell and he will stop, and even when I do want to tell something he’ll tell me if he has the time to listen and reply when I ask.

Others weren’t like this, but it felt more as a forced choice than a choice that was mine. I’m just glad that I got to meet this person and that I get to see some of the ways he thinks of things, since it’s rather intresting. And I also get to learn from it as well, which I think is the most important thing, since I can get a better view of what my own opinion is, and on what is right and wrong.

Language thing

It’s been a while since I decided I wanted to pick up a language, I mean, I’m fluent in two languages and have a basic understanding of German, but I just don’t think that will be enough.

You see, my goal was to learn some more French, I was deciding between French and Spanish, and after having a look at both of them, I decided I liked French better, and it helped that I already knew more of that language than I did of Spanish.

So one day I want to become fluent in French. There are a lot of resources online to help me gain my goal, but I think sometimes it’s even better to just do it. Do it for half an hour every day, study the grammar and more, and who knows how far I’ll get.

From the app DuoLingo I’ve learnt it’s better for me to learn a language Dutch – Language than English – Language, simply because Dutch is my main language. I might be fluent in both, but I find it easier to find myself a word that matches the language I’m learning in Dutch than in English. Eventually I will gain the same effect, but English just tires me out more, as I’m more comfortable in Dutch with learning a language.

It’s a funny thing actually, as I’m studying at uni in English, but yet I prefer to learn it the Dutch way. I’m curious if there is a scientific meaning behind that or that it is just a preference, guess I’ll find out one day!